


Look My Way

by TheOculusRift



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Depression, F/F, I end up writing more dark shit, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Monika has severe anxiety, Monika wants to be loved, Panic Attacks, Protag Suki, Protag-Kun is now protag-chan, Sayori the shipper, So much tsun, This ship needs more love, Yuri gets jealous, Yuri is possessive, girls are fighting, im having a writing spree
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-04-29 10:10:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14470404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOculusRift/pseuds/TheOculusRift
Summary: Natsuki invites her girlfriend Yuri and her best friend Monika over to teach them to bake. The fun little hang out ends up taking a 180 and things take a turn into something more serious than Natsuki had planned to deal with.





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning, this is gonna get dark.
> 
> But I think that should’ve been obvious. It’s me after all~
> 
> Also, a quick little note: everyone besides Monika is problem free. I kinda transferred all of the other characters’ problems to Monika. It’s how the story will be more in depth. It hurts me to hurt her but it’s for the sake of this new short story!

Natsuki POV

 

It had only been 20 mintues and things were already going wrong.

 

I knew neither of them could cook or bake. That was obvious, despite Yuri protesting that making a sandwich counted as cooking. I knew better than that.

 

I would always reply with:

 

”It’s literally shoving things between two pieces of bread. That isn’t cooking at all!”

 

And her usual retort ended up being:

 

”It is! I’m making food in the end, so it has to be cooking!”

 

Yeah, and microwaving soup is enough to call yourself a chef Yuri.

 

But anyways, since neither of them were really good at kitchen stuff, I thought it would be a fun idea to invite them over to teach them. It would allow me to show off my talent.

 

However...

 

”YURI! MONIKA! ENOUGH!”

 

The two girls turned to face me, still gripping onto each other. They twitched slightly, ready to go back to killing each other as soon as I finished talking.

 

They were an absolute mess. From head to toe they were covered in flour and some of the “cupcake batter” that we had made earlier.

 

“What the hell are you two doing?!”

 

“It’s Monika’s fault! She was provoking me!”

 

“No it isn’t! You’re the one who’s overreacting from me being close to Natsuki!”

 

“She’s my girlfriend! Of course I’d be mad!”

 

“And she’s my best friend! I’ve always been close to her!”

 

Oh my fucking god these two are pissing me off.

 

“I swear...”

 

“You’re just jealous of us Monika!”

 

“I’m not! The only one jealous is-”

 

“YOU TWO SHUT UP BEFORE I COME OVER AND RIP YOUR ARMS OFF!”

 

Immediately they shut up.

 

“Monika,” I growled. “Get your hands off my girlfriend.”

 

“But-”

 

“Monika!” I said, making my voice more firm.

 

The brunette flinched at my voice and her grip released from Yuri.

 

“Natsu-”

 

“I’m mad at you too!”

 

The oldest girl yelped and recoiled at my words.

 

“Yuri, go clean yourself up now. Monika, we need to talk.”

 

Yuri’s eyes flicked over to Monika, hostility completely filling her gaze. Although it was for a short moment, the president winced and shrunk back at the purple haired girl’s look.

 

“Now.”

 

She huffed, and walked off to the bathroom. It was obvious that she was reluctant to leave me with our president but I needed Monika to talk to me, and I doubted that she’d talk with Yuri at my side.

 

Monika stared awkwardly at the ground, not sure what to do. I let out a groan.

 

This is gonna be a pain in the ass.

 

I grabbed a towel from the kitchen drawer and threw it towards her.

 

“Here, use this for now. You’ll need to clean yours up after Yuri is done.”

 

“Right...” She mumbled, catching the towel with one hand.

 

Saying I’m just worried is an understatement.

 

I knew Yuri was clingy and posssessive of me, but I had never seen her get that bad. She had told me that she was scared of being abandoned before, but she never told me anything about it being severe.

 

Did she lie? Why would she lie?

 

And Monika...

 

I had known Monika for my entire life, so I knew her well. When she was scared or stressed, she wouldn’t look you in the eyes. When she was worried or nervous, she fiddled and fidgeted with her hands. But for once in my life, I couldn’t tell what was wrong with her. Her behavior and sudden actions towards me, as well as Yuri were completely new.

 

I need an answer now.

 

After a good ten minutes, Monika finished cleaning herself up the best she could. I gestured to her to sit down on the couch with me.

 

She glanced at me nervously, almost unsure of whether to go to me or not.

 

“Please Monika,” I said, trying to calm down myself. “Let’s talk.”

 

The president nodded reluctantly and sat down. She was fidgeting with her hands.

 

Well, looks like I have to play the role of comforter.

 

“Monika, is something wrong? Your behavior earlier wasn’t normal.”

 

“No, nothing is wrong. I just got a bit on edge with Yuri being so possessive of you recently. I’m fine, really.”

 

The brunette smiled at me sweetly. It was almost enough to convince me, but from the corner of my eye I could see her playing with her white ribbon.

 

“That’s bullshit and you know it. Tell me what’s wrong.”

 

“H-Huh?” The genuine look of surprise on her face made me roll my eyes.

 

“I’ve known you since we were born dummy. I can tell when your lying.”

 

I pointed to her hands.

 

“When you’re lying, you play with that white ribbon you love to wear.”

 

“T-That’s...”

 

“Now come on and tell me. I... I’m worried... about you...”

 

I could feel my face heat up as I said that.

 

Why must I be so fucking embarrassed at telling people I care about them?!

 

Her eyes widened and she looked ready to cry. Quickly, she averted her gaze and fidgeted even more with her hands.

 

I wanted to hug the poor girl but I stayed away, in fear that my actions might actually hurt her. No matter how confident and brave Monika seemed on the outside, she was the most delicate person I knew. More so than Yuri.

 

“Why...” She finally managed to choke out.

 

“Huh? What do you mean?”

 

“Why... do I have to be this way... why do I have to feel... this way...”

 

Her body tensed and she clenched her hands into tight fists.

 

My hand instinctively went out to pull her into a hug.

 

That was a mistake.

 

As soon as she felt my hand, Monika pulled away from me and jumped up. My heart broke as I saw her face full of tears.

 

“M-Monika...” I stammered, trying to think straight. I didn’t know if I could help herbefore she decided to break out into a run.

 

Deep breaths Natsuki. Calm and relaxed. Don’t be tense or she’ll be tense too.

 

I exhaled and started to talk again, softening my voice.

 

“Please, calm down. I don’t understand what’s wrong so please tell me Moni. I want to help.”

 

Oh crap.

 

I used her nickname when I had to calm her down or comfort her, but for some reason, it only did the opposite.

 

Tears streamed down her face as she looked at me. Her entire body trembled and she started to take steps backward. Right towards the door.

 

Oh no. I have do something now. Come on and thin-

 

“I LOVE YOU!”

 

Wait, what?

 

I jerked my head back, confused and slightly happy. Wait, should I be happy? I’m dating Yuri right now. And Monika’s my best friend. Isn’t this-

 

“I’m... in love with you... and Yuri...”

 

Okay. I’m officially lost.

 

I barely understood Yuri’s confession to me. So to hear another confession from my best friend, saying that she was in love with me and my girlfriend...

 

“Huh?”

 

It was all I could muster. Words were lost to me now.

 

“I’ve... always loved you... ever since we were younger... and then when we met Yuri in the literature club... I ended up... falling for her too... but... she... fell for you... and I... I...” The brunette sobbed.

 

“I shouldn’t be here...”

 

And with no warning, she bolted out the door. I tried to stop her but she was too fast for me.

 

“Monika!” I called out.

 

But it was too late.

 

You idiot. What were you thinking?!

 

How didn’t I see it?! How didn’t I know?! I’ve known her for so long and yet, I didn’t know about this?!

 

I wanted to punch something. I wanted to punch something really fucking badly.

 

I just hurt someone precious to me.

 

And I had no clue if she would ever recover from this.

 

I let out a roar of anger.

 

“DAMN IT!”

 

I kicked the couch. It hurt like a bitch, but not as much as my heart hurt.

 

I made her look like that. I made her cry.

 

How?

 

How the fuck did this happen?

 

It was supposed to be a fun get together.

 

It was supposed to be the chance I could show off to Yuri and Monika about my baking skills.

 

What the hell went wrong?!

 

What the fucking hell happened?!

 

“N-Natsuki...?”

 

I whirled around and saw Yuri, who was peering out from the bathroom. A towel was wrapped around her body and her hair was still dripping wet.

 

“... How much did you hear...”

 

“M-Most of it...” She admitted.

 

“I didn’t know... she felt that way...”

 

I could hear my voice starting to crack. I was angry and upset and disappointed in myself as a friend.

 

“What the fuck am I supposed to do...”

 

I gritted my teeth, feeling my own eyes start to water.

 

Yuri rushed over, despite her state of clothing, and wrapped her arms around me.

 

“It’s not your fault Natsuki... neither of us noticed.”

 

Her tone was gentle and a bit sad. I couldn’t see her face, but I could feel her guilt. She may be possessive of me, but she didn’t hate Monika. She could never hate Monika. After all, her first crush was her, not me. She fell for me after I tried to help her through her feelings.

 

“But still! I should’ve seen it! She’s my best friend! I’m the closest person to her! How could I be that fucking blind?!”

 

“Natsuki, calm down.”

 

“I CAN’T!”

 

And the tears started to pour down.

 

I screamed into her chest, sobbing.

 

This was my fault.

 

I hurt her.

 

Hell, who knows how long I had been hurting her.

 

The one person she could confide in to help her with her feelings was the one person she couldn’t tell.

 

Me.

 

She didn’t have anyone else to lean on. Or at least, she didn’t trust anyone enough to talk to them about her feelings.

 

“I’m a failure of a friend!”

 

“No you’re not!”

 

Yuri suddenly jerked me off of her and stared me in the face, her face full of worry, but anger as well.

 

“If you’re a failure of a friend, then so am I. I may not know Monika as well as you, and I may not have the years of friendship you’ve had with her, but I feel as angry as you. I feel stupid for not realizing how she felt. But we can’t stay mad at ourselves. We need to help her now. She just ran out in tears. Monika needs someone to comfort her. And we’re the only ones who can do that.”

 

My mouth was agape at her sudden change in attitude. She sounded... confident. For once in the time that we’ve known each other, she sounded sure of herself.

 

I can’t sit on my ass and let my girlfriend do all the work.

 

“Y-You’re right... you’re right. Yeah. Sorry about being a little wimp. I’m okay... I’m good now.”

 

I smiled at her and a faint blush formed on her face.

 

“I’m glad.”

 

“Now, no time to waste! We got a president to find!”

 

******

 

Monika POV

 

No no no no no no no no no no no no-

 

Why?

 

Why did I say that?!

 

You idiot! You stupid stupid stupid little selfish idiot!

 

Did you think she’d help you?!

 

Did you think she’d understand?!

 

Did you actually think she’d say yes and everything would go right?!

 

Why would it?!

 

She could never like you. She’s only been pretending to tolerate you. How could she care about a worthless human like yourself?!

 

No one likes me and no one cares about me.

 

Not Natsuki.

 

Not Yuri.

 

Not Sayori.

 

Not even my parents.

 

No one could love a disgusting person like me.

 

I’m just selfish.

 

No one would cry if I just disappeared.

 

I ran.

 

I ran from everything.

 

I ran from those two that I loved so much.

 

I ran from my house that only brought me pain upon entering.

 

I ran from the voices that kept telling me to just go and die.

 

I ran from my own heart.

 

I just wanted to be free.

 

I just wanted to stop feeling.

 

******

 

Natsuki POV

 

“MONIKA! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU?!”

 

I yelled her name over and over again. I had done it for so long my voice had gone hoarse. It was painful, but I kept calling.

 

I need to find her.

 

“Monika!”

 

Yuri had been calling with me. It wasn’t as loud, or aggressive sounding as me, but she sounded just as desperate.

 

A growl escaped me as I kicked one of the lamp posts.

 

“Shit... where did she go?!”

 

Where is she?

 

Where would she most likely try to go to hide?

 

Think you pink haired idiot!

 

Where she would be is...

 

It hit me.

 

“THAT’S IT!”

 

My girlfriend let out a yelp of surprise.

 

“Oh, sorry, but I think I know where she went.”

 

The purple haired girl looked at me eagerly.

 

“Where?”

 

“If I know anything about her, she’ll go to our secret hideout.”

 

“Hideout?”

 

I nodded. “Yeah. As kids, we found this cool spot. No one else knows about it. Whenever she wanted to run away from life, she went there, and I’d come running after her.”

 

Those memories there were full of happy and sad moments.

 

There were times when we would just hang out with a bunch of snacks and play games all day.

 

Other times, I’d find Monika there, crying, and I’d be the one to cheer her up.

 

That was our special place where we could escape from reality.

 

“Are you sure she’ll be there?” Yuri asked tentatively.

 

“No, there’s no guarantee,” I said, shaking my head.

 

But...

 

“I have a strong gut feeling that she’ll be there.”

 

The older girl looked uncertain at me. I couldn’t blame her. Even I wasn’t confident in my guess.

 

But, after a few seconds of thinking, she let out a sigh.

 

“We don’t have any leads besides yours so it’s worth a shot.”

 

A small smile formed on her face.

 

“I’ll trust you.”

 

Yuri, please stop being cute right now. It’s not good for my health at the current moment.

 

I suppressed a blush and covered it with a forced grin.

 

“Of course you will! I’m a genius after all!”

 

I puffed out my chest, only to receive an eye roll from the second year.

 

“Yeah you are,” She smirked, changing her voice to the same sarcastic tone I used.

 

“Hey! Don’t tease me!”

 

She giggled at my protest, causing me to blush.

 

“A-Anyways,” I coughed, getting back on track. “We need to go get her.”

 

“Yes.”

 

I started running, with Yuri following me from behind.

 

“By the way, where are we going?”

 

“Where? Only the most awesome place ever.”

 

I grinned, remembering the amazing view.

 

“We’re going into the mountains.”

 

******

 

Yuri POV

 

“We’re going into the mountains.”

 

I repeated the words in my head, as I didn’t believe what I was hearing.

 

“Wait, the mountains?”

 

The pinkette nodded at me.

 

“It’s not a place open to the public so there’s no one around there. Monika and I snuck in and we still do...”

 

Natsuki began to ramble, telling me all about the place.

 

“There’s a ton of trees and this field that is covered in flowers in the spring. But our main base is this abandoned observatory.”

 

That peaked my interest.

 

“Observatory?”

 

“Oh. Interested now are we?”

 

“I-I like to star gaze every once in a while.”

 

“I see. Well, the place is pretty old, but it’s still stable. I don’t think any of the stuff works anymore though...”

 

She seems... very fond of that place.

 

I couldn’t help but feel a pang if jealousy. Monika was lucky to have known Natsuki for so long and be able to be so close to her.

 

And yet, she was the one who felt left out.

 

Because in the end, she was the one who’s feelings were left unresolved and she was stuck watching us. She was stuck watching the two people she was in love with fall for each other.

 

Monika...

 

Even now, even though I have Natsuki...

 

When she confessed she loved me, I felt so happy. And I’m pretty sure Natsuki felt the same.

 

I fell for Monika first and those feelings haven’t faded away yet.

 

And with her confession, I don’t think they’ll disappear anymore.

 

“Yuri? Hello, earth to bookworm?!”

 

I snapped out of my thoughts and was forced back into reality by her voice.

 

“S-Sorry! I was spacing... um... what did you say again?”

 

“Ugh, you pain...” She groaned.

 

“Sorry...”

 

The small girl sighed and looked back at me as we ran.

 

“I said, do you love Monika?”

 

I flinched. This question was bound to come up, but I still couldn’t answer it with full on confidence.

 

“I... well... I’m not sure... I still hold feelings for her from before, but...”

 

“You don’t need to answer anymore. That’s about what I expected.”

 

“How about you,” I asked. “Do you... love her?”

 

Silence.

 

For 5 minutes, neither of us spoke. The only things that I could hear, was my breathing and racing heart beat from running. My legs felt tired and all I wanted to do was sit down.

 

No. Not now. Giving up now would be cruel.

 

“I...”

 

I looked up from the ground and at my girlfriend.

 

“I... don’t know. I’ve only ever saw her as my friend so I’m not sure how I feel. I won’t deny I felt happy to her her confess but still...”

 

A soft smile appeared on my face.

 

“I know.”

 

We continued our run until Natsuki started to slow down.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

“We’re here. It’s hiking from here on out.”

 

She stopped and I had to ground my feet down before I ran into her.

 

The pinkette pointed at an old rusted wire fence. A yellow sign on it read ‘off limits’ in big black letters.

 

The land has suddenly become covered in trees. A few boulders were visible in the distance and near the top of the mountains were some plains.

 

“How far up is it?” I gulped, now a bit worried. I wasn’t a good athlete. Running here had drained me almost to empty.

 

“It’s not that far. You’ll live.”

 

I wish I could be that confident about that.

 

We crawled through an entrance that Natsuki showed me and we started our way up the mountain.

 

In the distance, we could hear footsteps and we looked at each other, thinking the exact same thing.

 

“It’s Monika.”

 

My girlfriend had been right. And since we had left the house not too long after Monika had bolted, she hadn’t gotten too far ahead of us.

 

To catch up, we quickened our pace, despite being exhausted. My breathing had gone heavy and ragged, with all my muscles threatening to give out any second.

 

But the footsteps got louder and closer.

 

Within minutes, we were both able to make out a figure.

 

The figure wore a white ribbon.

 

“Let’s go Yuri!”

 

“Yeah!”

 

Suddenly, Natsuki started to sprint, getting ahead of me. Monika stopped and turned around. Her eyes widened at the realization that she was being followed.

 

“Wait Monika! Let’s talk things out!”

 

She didn’t wait to listen to Natsuki and started to move faster.

 

“God damn it, listen dummy!”

 

“N-Natsuki! I can’t keep up!”

 

“Go at your own pace! Don’t push yourself! Actually, just stay put!” She shouted.

 

“But-“

 

“It’s fine! I’ll bring her back with me!”

 

She grinned and then ran off after her.

 

I stopped, panting.

 

She’s amazing.

 

Natsuki...

 

Please hurry and come back with her safely.

 

******

 

Natsuki POV

 

”Just stop! Leave me alone!” Monika begged, crying.

 

“No... way... I’m bringing you back to my house with Yuri and we’re going to talk!”

 

I gasped out the words, my lungs barely keeping up with me as I ran uphill.

 

“Why do you care?! You don’t even like me! No one does!”

 

Oh no you didn’t.

 

Anger surged through me and I let out a war cry, my speed increasing tenfold.

 

I jumped into the air and tackled the brunette to the ground with a grunt and we both tumbled into the dirt.

 

The president struggled against me, thrashing and flailing her arms and legs, but I was small and nimble.

 

I dodged her flying limbs and grabbed her wrists and pinned her down. I brought my body up and sat on her, securely holding her down.

 

“Gotcha!”

 

She continued to squirm, but it slowly began to die down. Her tension died down and her body went limp under me.

 

Her tears streamed down her now dirt covered face, making her look even more pathetic.

 

But in that moment, I was too angered to bring my volume down.

 

“Don’t you dare say that no one likes you! Ever!”

 

I let go of one of her arms and slapped her hard across the cheek. She looked completely dumbfounded.

 

“I care about you! How couldn’t I? You’re my most precious friend!”

 

Monika shook her head, now completely bawling.

 

“You’re... lying... how could you care about someone as selfish and horrible as me? How could like someone as worthless as me?!”

 

“Moni!”

 

My voice quivered. I didn’t want to believe she was saying this stuff about herself. Monika, one of the most confident, kind and caring people in my life...

 

How can she say all these hateful things about herself?

 

“I’m just a mistake!” She wailed. “I’m useless! Dead weight! No one would care if I just disappeared! It... it would be... b-better... if I just died.”

 

No. Don’t say that.

 

God please tell me you didn’t say that.

 

You mean so much to me.

 

So please...

 

“Please stop saying this stuff...” I mumbled, softening my tone. I could hear myself becoming shakier, but repressing it was impossible.

 

Hot, fat tears rolled down my face as I cried.

 

“You mean so much to me! I can’t imagine my life without you, so don’t say life would be better with you dead! I-I... my life would be miserable if I didn’t have you here...”

 

I let go of her wrists and fell into her body, crying into her chest. She had gone completely silent, as if she didn’t believe anything I had said.

 

But I mean every word of it.

 

“Moni... Moni...”

 

I kept saying her name over and over again, feeling that if I didn’t, she’d disappear from sight.

 

And that... is the last thing I want.

 

“Natsuki...”

 

Hesitantly, Monika wrapped her arms around me, her own body trembling like crazy.

 

We both laid on the ground, crying into each other’s arms. I could faintly hear the brunette saying ‘I’m so sorry’ and in response, I just petted her head.

 

Just like I did so many years ago.

 

******

 

“C’mon you big baby. Let’s get back to the house.”

 

I picked myself up and got off of her body and offered her a hand. Time seemed to pass at light speed when we were on the ground as the sun was no longer as visible as before.

 

“O-Okay...” She sniffled.

 

Monika limply places her hand in mine and I helped lift her off the ground.

 

“Whoa!”

 

I expected more weight since she was almost double my height, but she was way lighter. Too light even...

 

She bumped into me and instantly pulled away on contact.

 

“S-Sorry Natsuki... I didn’t mean-“

 

“It’s fine. You don’t need nervous with me Moni. I’m not mad anymore.”

 

It was a bit of a lie. I was still mad at her saying so much awful shit about herself but I needed her to feel a bit better. Her mood was already pretty damn low.

 

A small blush formed on her cheeks. She averted her gaze, and fiddled with her hands.

 

“R-Right.”

 

Ugh... I still can’t make her less nervous around me...

 

Well, right now, we need to get back to Yuri and then get back to my house before we freeze to death out here.

 

The temperature had dropped significantly and a cold breeze had begun to blow.

 

The sun had set behind the clouds and could no longer provide warmth with its light.

 

I shivered slightly, wishing I had brought a coat.

 

Feeling the icy wind, I was motivated to start moving. I grabbed Monika’s hand and started dragging her down the mountain with me.

 

I kept my pace quick, wanting to get back to the warm inside of my home as soon as possible.

 

Where is she...?

 

Ah! There!

 

“Oi! Yuri! Sorry I took so long!”

 

My girlfriend turned in my direction. A smile of relief formed on her face as she saw us coming towards her.

 

“I’m glad you two are safe,” She said with a gentle smile.

 

Yuri glanced at Monika who then proceeded to cower behind me.

 

“Just give her some space for now until we get back,” I whispered.

 

She nodded back, but now looked more concerned than ever.

 

All three of us made our way down and out of the forbidden mountain forest. Our feet touched pavement once again.

 

The walk back was completely silent. No one spoke as I had a feeling we all had nonverbally agreed that talking wouldn’t start until we had our discussion.

 

It was pretty awkward. I had no clue what to do besides continuing to hold Monika’s hand to make sure she didn’t try to bolt once more.

 

Her hand...

 

Her hand didn’t feel right. It felt dehydrated and rough. Nothing like her normal lotion soft skin. And her fingers felt bony and thin.

 

It wasn’t just her hand though. Her weight was too light and her skin too pale. When I was on top of her, I had noticed her skinny figure and felt something horrifying.

 

She was emaciated.

 

Her ribs were definitely visible based on how well I could feel them poking out from her chest.

 

I didn’t know why she was doing it, but it did partially explain why she had stopped eating as much food.

 

I’ve found part of that puzzle... now I just need to finish it.

 

God, I feel like that stupid detective character from that manga.

 

A recent and shitty choice I had made a week ago via the internet. Some person on a forum had posted it was a good read so I bought it, only to be disappointed and disgusted by basically everything. The art, storyline, characters, everything. It was a bunch of shitty stuff compiled into one.

 

I shook my head, ridding my brain of the thoughts.

 

That’s not the important thing right now! I need to figure out why Monika is starving herself!

 

I looked back on everything. Thoughts, ideas, actions behavior....

 

_‘It would be better if I just died.’_

 

I felt sick remembering those words, but I knew they were the piece.

 

I couldn’t even think the answer to myself. To believe she would do that made me want to vomit. It was sick, twisted, sad and just outright horrible.

 

No. Until she tells me straight up, I won’t think or believe it. If I think too much about it now, I won’t be able to get anywhere later with the questions. I can’t be distracted.

 

I made a silent compromise to my thoughts and continued onward.

 

By the time we all made it back to the house, it was night time.

 

The sun had completely disappeared behind the horizon and the moon and stars had now taken over the sky. With few clouds, the night sky seemed more radiant than usual. But with the tense atmosphere around us three, it was hard to appreciate it.

 

Unlocking the door, I gestured the two in who complied.

 

We took off our shoes and walked further into the house.

 

“Alright,” I began, being the first to talk after the long silence. “Let’s all sit on the couch and get started.”

 

I took a deep breath.

 

I wasn’t prepared at all. How could I be?

 

I have no clue what is gonna happen, but I know I’ll have to deal with it in whatever way I can.

 

This is it. Every word is gonna count so I can’t screw up.

 

“It’s time for us all to talk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! I don’t plan on this being a long one, maybe at about 7 chapters. I’ll see when I get there.
> 
> This may seem a bit rushed but I wasn’t quite sure how to write this first chapter. This originally was supposed to be a cute one shot but I got this really good idea and then it turned into this dark romance drama of a story. So sorry for those of you who wanted a one shot. Blame my twisted mind for that. XD


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haha! Want some angst? Well you came to the right place!  
> Welcome masochists to the heaven to inflict pain upon your hearts! XD  
> Quick note, protagonist is here. He is now a she because for me, Doki Doki Literature Club in my writing will forever be Gay Gay Literature Club. There won’t be homo in anything I write that is DDLC themed. Her name here is Keiko. I’ve used her in my prompt book so some of you might recognize her.  
> Another thing I’d like to add, is that instead of Monika being the only one with problems (it felt too cruel to do things only to her), Sayori will also have a problem, and of course, that would be depression. I realized her having that problem will actually help me write this so that is now part of the story. Oh and Yuri having some abandonment issues I guess can count as a problem as well.  
> So yeah, I hope you enjoy reading.

Natsuki POV

 

It shouldn’t be that hard, right?

 

We were all sitting on the couch, each of us trying to deal with the now awkward silence.

 

Yuri and I sat on either side of Monika in order to prevent her from running. If she tried to bolt, we’d tackle her from both sides. Although, I doubted she would actually try to. After catching her in the woods, I genuinely believed she was willing to talk now.

 

Or at least, she knew I wasn’t letting her go until I got answers.

 

I wanted to talk, but getting a starting question was hard. I needed to start off gentle, but with her issues I had deduced so far and learned from her directly, what would be considered gentle?

 

The most gentle question would probably be about her love for me and Yuri...

 

Very personal, but less harsh than asking if she was planning a suicide.

 

“S-So,” I began, cursing myself for sounding nervous. “Why didn’t you tell us about your feelings earlier?”

 

It seemed like a dumb question to ask since the answer was relatively obvious. My girlfriend shot me a look, affirming my stupidity.

 

I know she’ll say she was too scared or nervous or something to admit her feelings to us...

 

“I didn’t want you both to hate me.”

 

And once again, she goes against my suspicions.

 

“Hate?” Yuri asked, tilting her head slightly.

 

Monika nodded.

 

“I thought... that if you found out about my feelings, how I’m in... love... with both of you, you’d think... I’m gross and weird. I thought you’d grow to hate me. After all, being in love with two people is strange, right? It’s creepy.”

 

She managed to keep her voice relatively stable, but I could hear it waver every once in a while. Compared to her sobbing from earlier, she was much calmer and controlled.

 

While I understood her concern, I have to admit, her reason is pretty petty. I didn’t say that out loud of course.

 

“So...” She continued. “I decided not to say anything. Even though it... hurt... to see you two happy with each other... I stayed silent. I didn’t want to ruin what I had now with both of you...”

 

“Monika,” The purple haired girl said softly, gently resting her own hand on the brunette’s trembling one.

 

“You... didn’t need to do that...” I mumbled, unsure of how to properly answer.

 

She shook her head, looking at us both sadly.

 

“No, I should’ve stayed silent. Now... everything is so awkward and it’s all my fault. If I hadn’t opened my stupid mouth, none of this would be happening. I shouldn’t... have tried to-“

 

“Stop.”

 

Yuri’s eyes were glued onto my best friend, her eyes serious but kind.

 

“Hiding your feelings away isn’t good. It only hurts you more in the end. None of this is your fault. You were just overwhelmed from suppressing everything for so long. If anything, Natsuki and I are at fault for not noticing sooner.”

 

“Yuri, no. This is my-“

 

“Moni, she’s right.”

 

“H-Huh...?”

 

I took in a deep breath. My word choice mattered now, so I couldn’t let my stupid tsundere mind set get in the way. I needed to be honest.

 

“I’ve known you for so long... and yet, I didn’t notice this until now, and looking back on it all, I should’ve realized something was wrong earlier. If anything, it’s so painfully obvious to me now that I question how I didn’t see it. I feel so blind.”

 

“But-“

 

“No. I’m not done,” I interrupted, putting a finger to Monika’s lips to silence her. “None of this is your fault. It’s ours. You were scared and in pain and you couldn’t lean on me or Yuri because of where it originated from. This happening isn’t your fault. It’s not your fault you couldn’t suppress any longer. It’s ours for making you hold it in for this long.”

 

The brunette refused to believe my words, continuing to shake her head. A new wave of tears began to form in her eyes, slowly making trails down her cheeks.

 

“N-No... that’s... stop lying...”

 

“I’m not lying,” I said softly, holding onto her other hand.

 

“How?! How am I supposed to believe you?!”

 

Monika suddenly stood up, her legs wobbling slightly. Her sobs were the loudest sound in the entire house and they echoed off of every wall.

 

“I... can’t... there’s no way... you’re telling the truth... because... why... would you... would y-you...”

 

I reached an arm out to pull her into a hug but my body froze. Why exactly?

 

I didn’t have a clue.

 

I just... I don’t want to hurt her... how am I supposed to do anything, when all it does is pull her further down?

 

I remembered all those times when she made self-deprecating “jokes” and wrote dark poems sometimes, most of them full of some kind of loathing, and it only broke my heart the more I thought about it as I looked at her bawling state.

 

Every word she wrote, everything she said that showed hate to herself, she meant it. She truly believed every hateful thing she told herself. And now was no different.

 

The amount of damage she’s done is not easy to reverse, even I know that. I couldn’t just expect this to go smoothly. Hell, I didn’t have confidence in the beginning. But I have to try. Even if I have to take it at a slower pace than I’d like to.

 

Pushing to much, especially knowing that she’s this fragile, will only break her, not help her.

 

I don’t want to stop, that’s for sure, but...

 

I looked at my sobbing friend. Yuri had gotten up and pulled her into a hug, rubbing circles into her back. She murmured her usual gentle phrases to try and calm her down.

 

Any more and she will break.

 

“Let’s stop for now.”

 

“Huh?!” Yuri turned to look at me, shocked.

 

“I don’t want to overwhelm her more. Moni has been through enough today.”

 

Monika glanced at me from the hug, her eyes showing relief.

 

“But Natsuki-“

 

“Yuri, no. I know you’re worried but... we need to take this one step at a time.”

 

My girlfriend was reluctant, but she nodded her head, letting go of the brunette who had finally calmed down.

 

“You still haven’t cleaned up after the baking mess right? The shower is free now so get in,” I said, pointing to the direction of the shower room.

 

My friend nodded and walked off, still sniffling a bit as she left.

 

A hand gently touched my shoulder and I placed my own shaking hand on it.

 

“Are you sure?”

 

“Yeah... this needs to be taken slowly after all.”

 

“What about Sayori?”

 

Shit, I forgot. She deserves to know but...

 

“We’ll... talk to her about this once Moni is ready...”

 

“Sounds fair enough. By the way, why are you calling her Moni? I thought Sayori was the only one going around with nicknames.”

 

“That’s... well...”

 

I stopped for a second and then turned to look at Yuri, a small, but sad smile on my face.

 

“It’s something that comforts her, that’s all.”

 

******

 

Keiko POV

 

“C’mon Kei!!! Let’s goooooo!”

 

Sayori whined at me as she grabbed my hand and pulled.

 

“I got it, I got it! Stop pulling so hard!”

 

I stumbled behind my girlfriend, trying not to lose balance. I usually leave my hair down, but today I was really regretting it. The night wind was blowing strong and my hair was getting into my eyes and mouth. Not exactly the ideal situation.

 

“Sayo! Seriously, stop pulling! I can walk fast enough!”

 

“Fine fine grumpy pants!” She giggled, letting go of my hand. I huffed slightly, mildly irritated for being dragged.

 

“I’m not grumpy...” I muttered.

 

“Sure you’re not,” She rolled her eyes, only emphasizing her sarcastic tone.

 

I simply sighed, no longer wanting to try.

 

I’ll just let my girlfriend enjoy herself.

 

I had invited Sayori out on a date, hoping to strengthen our relationship. Besides the several times getting lost in the city, it was relatively enjoyable. The date was very special, just some shopping and eating at a nice restaurant. But, seeing the coral haired girl smile was enough for me honestly. Knowing she was happy was literally all that mattered. Especially after... what happened a few days ago...

 

We chatted the rest of the way to Sayori’s house, laughing and grinning the entire way. She had a way of making the atmosphere feel warm all the time. And I have to say, it made the night air suddenly less chilly.

 

“Hehe~ Wow, I can’t believe that happened! Seriously, how does that even happen?!”

 

“I don’t know, but that idiot somehow was able to do it.”

 

“Yeah I-hey! No calling people idiots Kei!”

 

I raised my hands innocently. “I have no clue what you’re talking about!”

 

“Shut up dummy! You know exactly what I’m talking about!”

 

“What are you gonna do? Punish me?”

 

She smirked at me, a devilish look on her face.

 

“I’ll make you regret it when we get home~”

 

What does that-OH. Oh no.

 

I could feel heat rise to face and I turned my face away, not wanting to even think about that.

 

“Too much for your innocent mind Kei?”

 

“There is a place and time to talk about that stuff. This... this is not the time.”

 

“You had it coming.”

 

“S-Shut up!” I sputtered.

 

She laughed at my reactions, only making me more flustered. That girl knew how to get me worked up, after all, we had been friends for so long. We knew each other better than we knew ourselves sometimes.

 

The two of us continued to walk through the cold night. My house wasn’t too much farther thankfully.

 

After a bit five minutes, we arrived at her house. I unlocked the door and we quickly headed inside, escaping the frigid weather. It was only fall, but the weather had already begun to show signs of winter.

 

“Ahhhhh,” My girlfriend sighed with relief, breathing in the warm air. “This is much better.”

 

“Agreed,” I breathed out, the warmth of my cozy home enveloping me.

 

I ripped my coat off and offered to make tea. Sayori eagerly nodded, heading to the kitchen with me where she sat down at the table.

 

I grabbed a kettle and filled it with hot water.

 

“Today was so much fun! Thanks for asking me out Kei!”

 

“I just wanted to spend more time with you. You don’t need to thank me.”

 

“But I want to~” She whined back.

 

I let out a chuckle. She was too cute sometimes.

 

Setting the kettle on the stove, I walked over to the table and took the seat next to the coral haired girl.

 

“So, are you feeling good today?”

 

It wasn’t nice to ask this, especially after how our nice date, but I needed to be safe.

 

Her blue eyes looked down at the floor. The joy in her face dropped and a sad smile replaced it.

 

“I... no... I’m still... you know...”

 

I frowned, disappointment in my heart. I had been hoping the date would bring her mood up, which it had, but I had wanted to help her other issue.

 

“It’s okay, I understand,” I said gently, wrapping my arm around her, pulling her head into my shoulder. She nuzzled me lightly, her body trembling.

 

“Even after all of this... the rain clouds just won’t go away... I’m... so tired... of being like this... I hate... myself so much...”

 

“Sayori...”

 

Why? Why isn’t there more I can do? I care and love her so much and yet, I still can’t help her fix this. I can’t seem to improve anything when it comes to her depression.

 

I held her tighter, my other arm instinctively wrapping itself around her body, pulling her closer to me.

 

Choked sobs echoed from her, tears soaking my shirt.

 

Even if it seems nothing it working now, I’ll keep on trying.

 

I’ll never leave her side.

 

She means everything to me. There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for her.

 

So for now, I’ll stay by her and never let go.

 

I didn’t even care that the kettle was whistling. All that mattered was Sayori.

 

“I love you. You mean everything to me. And I’ll do everything I can to help you.”

 

“Mmhm...” She grunted into my chest.

 

I mean those words from the bottom of my heart.

 

Sayori, my sunshine, my feelings will never change.

 

******

 

Yuri POV

 

Monika and I were staying the night at Natsuki’s house and I had no clue what to do.

 

After everything earlier, I was unsure of how to feel. I wasn’t happy she confessed to Natsuki, as I’m her girlfriend, but her confessing she loved me felt... strange. I didn’t hate it, but I couldn’t tell if I liked it either.

 

The three of us were in the pinkette’s bedroom, with Natsuki in her bed and me and Monika on the floor in futons.

 

My girlfriend was peacefully snoring away, exhausted from the running she did earlier. She wasn’t athletic, so that much movement had completely drained her.

 

My body ached and burned, the soreness of my muscles continuously throbbing. I kept telling myself to exercise more, but I always ended up forgetting or just ignoring it.

 

Now, I was paying for that.

 

I shifted uncomfortably in my futon, trying to find a position that didn’t strain my muscles.

 

To the right of me was the brunette, who was very silent. I couldn’t even hear her breathing. After she had taken her shower, she had wordlessly changed and gotten into her futon and refused to look at me or Natsuki.

 

Despite how I was feeling protective and... slightly possessive of Natsuki, Monika was still my friend, club leader and... my first crush. She had done so much for me and I wanted to help. But the petite girl had seemed very determined to take things slowly.

 

I usually was the one who thought like that. But not this time.

 

This time, I thought it would be better to take it a big faster, even if it meant being pushy.

 

When Monika had left us to wash up, Natsuki had told me her suspicions about Monika planning to commit suicide by starving herself to death. The more I thought about it, the more I realized it could be true. Her complexion was off, her skin paler and whiter with that strange tinge that looked unnatural. Her emerald eyes had seemed duller and bloodshot, as if she wasn’t getting rest or energy.

 

With those symptoms, I couldn’t help but feel anxious about her trying something. No matter how small.

 

Depression, what I assumed was her problem, is dangerous if not solved quickly. We learned that the hard way from Sayori trying to hang herself. Keiko had been in tears at the hospital, feeling nothing but guilt and fear.

 

The last thing we needed after that, was our president trying or even succeeding a suicide. All of us cared for her, so if she were to die, it wouldn’t end well for any of us. Particularly Natsuki.

 

I turned my head, looking over at Monika. Her head was turned away from me, so all I could see was her long brown hair, which was now let down instead of in its usual ponytail.

 

She still isn’t making any noise...

 

I felt a rush of worry in my heart, and my head kept telling me to look over and check her. But the last thing I wanted to do was strain the poor girl too much or make my girlfriend mad.

 

I need to wait for an actual problem to come up where I need to approach her. She’s still wary of me and I’m still... not sure of how I feel. Be patient and wait. Hopefully I won’t nee-

 

Monika abruptly sat up, interrupting my thoughts. I kept pretending I was asleep but I kept one eye open to watch her.

 

She glanced at Natsuki and then at me, making sure we were both asleep. Then, in silence she picked up one of her bags and walked out of the room, quietly shutting the door behind her.

 

I sat up instantly as soon as she had left. My instincts were screaming at me to get up and run after her but I had to stay quiet.

 

Calming myself down, I quickly and quietly gathered myself up and headed out to follow my friend.

 

Closing the door behind me, I looked down the hallway and saw the bathroom light on.

 

She just has to use the bathroom you idiot... why are you getting so worried?

 

But this feeling won’t go away...

 

I shouldn’t have been worrying yet the dread in my heart remained. I gulped, scared that these feelings might be right.

 

I crept down the hallway, making my way silently to the bathroom. As I got closer, I could hear heavy breathing.

 

Monika...?

 

She made a sharp inhale, a gasp almost. Another one followed. And another. Gasps and hisses escapes her, echoing in the bathroom and out the opened door.

 

It was almost like she was in pain.

 

I got closer and peered inside.

 

“M-Monika...?”

 

A metal object clattered to the tile floor with a crash and a wide eyed Monika turned her head to face me. Her eyes looked big but her pupils were dilated, giving her an almost crazed look.

 

“Why are you... you were asleep.”

 

My eyes darted down to the object and a pit formed in my stomach.

 

A bloody knife lay on the bathroom floor, the blood fresh and still dripping off of it. I didn’t need someone to tell what was happening here. I didn’t need speculations to understand what she had done.

 

“Monika,” I said, my voice quivering.

 

“No, please Yuri it’s not what it looks like. I just... I needed to...”

 

The brunette fumbled with her words, unsure of how to actually lie about what had obviously happened.

 

“Monika, did you cut yourself?”

 

“...”

 

“Please, answer me.”

 

She remained silent, her back facing me and her eyes staring at the ground.

 

“Monika,” I said more firmly.

 

“...sorry...”

 

“Huh?”

 

“I’m sorry!”

 

She turned her body towards me and buried her face into the floor, sobbing. With her facing me, I could see the long gashes that covered her arms and scars from old cuts she had given herself. My heart shattered, and I felt guilty for not seeing it sooner.

 

I bent down and picked her up off the ground, pulling her into my embrace. She was shaking violently, cries rocking her body. I just held her tighter, being careful of the wounds on her arms.

 

“Shhhhh... it’s okay... deep breaths...”

 

“Sorry... sorry... I...”

 

“Shh... you don’t need to apologize...”

 

I ran a hand down her hair, gently petting her head. Natsuki said she had done this in the past to calm her down, so maybe it’ll help now.

 

Sure enough, it did. Her cries faded away to sniffles and hiccups and her shaking became light trembling.

 

“Feeling better?”

 

She nodded, a few sniffles following it.

 

“Let’s get these cuts treated then.”

 

Monika’s body had gone limp, so I picked her up and sat her down on the closed toilet. Just as my girlfriend had said, she was bony thin, and for the millionth time this day, my heart broke. She had been planning to starve herself and no one had noticed it.

 

I opened the cabinet and pulled a bottle of hydrogen peroxide, medical tape and gauze. Unfortunately, Natsuki didn’t own any long types of bandages.

 

I gently took her right arm and examined the cuts, wincing at the sight of them.

 

“This is going to sting so just bare with me.”

 

She nodded weakly.

 

I took a piece of gauze and poured a bit of the disinfectant on it. As gently as I could, I started to clean the cuts. Monika flinched and grit her teeth, but stayed as still as she could. I could only imagine how much it burned.

 

After finishing her right arm, I moved on to her left, the same reaction produced. Once all the wounds were clean, I began to cover and tape gauze to all of the cuts.

 

“When we leave tomorrow morning, you’re coming to my house first so I can exchange the gauze for actual bandages.”

 

Her eyes widened and she looked hurt for some reason.

 

“No... you shouldn’t waste your time on someone like me...” Monika whimpered out.

 

“I want to do this. This isn’t me wasting my time on something, this is me wanting to use my time to help you. You mean a lot to me Monika. Please, let me help you.”

 

Her emerald eyes grew glassy again and I simply hugged her. The brunette clutches me tightly, her nails digging into my back. It stung, but I didn’t care.

 

All that mattered was my friend. I wanted to help her and no one would stop me from doing that.

 

So I held my delicate and fragile flower in my arms, letting her cry into my shoulder, and gently gave her warmth and comfort.

 

Tomorrow... god... I pray that tomorrow will be a bit happier for all of us...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Didn’t think I’d write Monika cutting herself in this chapter but I did. It’s not the most comfortable thing to write about but it doesn’t really bother me. If anything I just feel bad for Moni even more. I want to hug this girl so badly :’(  
> I was really stuck on this chapter with how I wanted it to go since this isn’t going to be a long story. I either was going to go straight in with everything, or take it slow and I decided to take it slower. This’ll let me write about more in future chapters.  
> I was going for longer but I really didn’t know what else to do when I read through without getting ahead of myself. But I hope you still liked it! I’ll start drafting out the next chapter soon so look forward to it!


End file.
